Self-testing

 

Today’s rating: 6/10 (a little better than usual).

One of the most frustrating parts of this disorder is the inordinate and disproportionate amount of self-testing that’s inevitably involved; and depending on what you’re testing, it can not only be intrusive, but it can be costly (financially and emotionally). It definitely gets in the way of my life, and I can tell it weighs on others around me too.

I’ve got two things I primarily obsess about: one is heart-beat rate (which is actually pretty common amongst people with anxiety disorders), and the other is blood sugar (which is not so common to us, but which is quite possibly linked to a good number of anxiety conditions in existence today). The heart-beat testing is actually not all too intrusive (though it can be odd to see someone standing in an elevator with their index and middle finger on their radial pulse), but the blood sugar testing is absolutely intrusive (for those who aren’t aware, testing blood sugar actually involves pricking your finger with a needle and placing blood on a test strip).

Why all the testing? Because the obsessive-compulsive mind is fixated on the aspect of control; and it determines (and crazily focuses on) that which it cannot control as a threat; therefore, certain things crucial to life (such as blood sugar or the heart in general) become center stage and frequently tested for “goodness” or acceptability. For each person with OCD the exact things tested are often different, and sometimes it even does have something to do with a real condition (as with me and my blood sugar testing), though it rarely is in proportion to the actual disorder (again, as with my and my blood sugar testing). And no – I don’t have diabetes, and it’s not relevant to the discussion to explain what I do have, but just note  that I test (waaaay) too much.

So, bottom line: self-testing is a control issue, an intense need for certainty, predictability, controllability, and stability in the world that basically has gone haywire and out of control. So when you see these people with out of control OCD, they’re basically trying to control their world, and it’s unpredictability is driving their anxiety disorder through the roof. It’s also worth noting that while *there is* an underlying biochemical and neurological component to all of this, the sort of malfunctioning in the brain’s wiring that causes this can be rewritten.

So what do I do to work on this stuff? Well, it’s interesting. Obsession starts with the thought: an intrusive, maladaptive thought which – like a really bad song that gets stuck in your head – essentially replays itself over and over and over again. For example, this morning, I counted upwards of 75 times – as I got ready – I reminded myself that my body will fail on me today (through a heart attack, or something of a similar vein). Just like my analogy of the bad song, it literally gets stuck in your head and it repeats, and repeats, and repeats – to the point, quite literally, that it drowns out everything else around you. The experience is like a contraction: it actually becomes claustrophobic, in a way, as you start to see your circle of compassion and awareness collapse in around you and all you hear is this horrible reminder that “you’re going to die” or “something terrible is about to happen”. Often people in this situation scramble for more control, and reach for something to use to control the situation; this is known as the compulsion (hence, obsessive and compulsive). The compulsion is the thing to which we attach our minds because we’ve labeled it as the controll-er….the very thing which our mind has latched onto that can control the situation. For some, going through a particular pattern of doing something is that compulsion, for others – like me – self-testing is the compulsion. But whatever it is, the obsession is the stuck reminder of our lack of control, and the compulsion is the thing which we do to answer that thought.

Ah – but I was going to answer what I do. There’s a lot of tactics out there, but ultimately, for me at least, it comes down to methods of expanding my awareness or, basically, trying to give my mind more to focus on. Note that I said “more” to focus on, not “something else” to focus on. It’s an interesting game people with OCD play with themselves when they try to remove an obsessive thought: all it really does is reinforce the thought (for example, try not to think of a pink elephant as I’m typing this….you can’t, can you? Why? Because in the act of mentioning not to think of a pink elephant, I mentioned the pink elephant). So the answer is slightly more subtle: including MORE in your thinking. As an example, I’ve adopted the “Yes, and…” method lately, and it seems to work:

“Ugh, I feel crappy, I bet it’s my heart…I bet I’m going to die”
“Yes, and look at the sunset, isn’t it nice?”

“You feel dizzy, I bet it’s your blood sugar”
”Yes, and I bet this is one good way to solve that computer programming problem you’ve been thinking about”.

See? It’s different because it doesn’t attempt to stop a thought (nor to really even argue with it), but to almost get it lost in perspective to everything else going on outside my mind. The result? The result seems to be a diminishing of the thoughts claustrophobic control over me, as things start to becoming more relative and placed into perspective (if you’re claustrophobic, then you open up the window and see what else is going on outside). Quite simply, if it weren’t for this tactic, my day would have been a 4/10 instead of a 6/10….at least.

I’m going to start making public how much I’m testing, as hard as that may be to do, I think it’s important. So, starting tomorrow you’ll start to see the numbers….